Funny Business
A Special Edition of The East Village

Gabe Gudding


A man had an anus the size of a ditch.

It made his social life very awkward.

In Florida once there was some trouble over a missing manatee.

The man happened to be in the region.

"Sir, we suspect you may have done something with our manatee."      

     "And what would I have done with your manatee? You can search my room 
      and my station wagon, but rest assured 
      I have not hidden it."

"We do not wish to search there..."

     [Rolling his eyes]: "Alright, get to the point."

"It is a smooth well-rounded creature and quite slippery..."

     [Clipped]: "Yes?"

"Sir, we believe you have secreted the manatee in your anus."

     [Diminished]: "Look, this is ludicrous..."

"Sir, we have with us a medical doctor and a stethoscope. 
We would just like a listen. If you don't allow the doctor
to listen in on the contents of your rectum,
we will be forced to arrest you 
and house you in an aquarium." 

Hearing this, the man gave up protest.
But as the physician placed the stethoscope against the distended buttock, 
the man grew angry and berated the officers.

The police beat him so soundly he had to be hospitalized,
and as a routine matter he was x-rayed. 
The x-rays showed small but unmistakable pieces of manatee in his rectum. 

Wondering how exactly the pieces could be so clearly chewed but undigested, 
the hospital staff examined the man, finding 
the first case of rectal dentata in Florida: a clear example
of the congenital reversal of the alimentary canal. 

His rectum was actually his mouth 
and he had eaten the manatee with it. 

Which meant that his speech was a sophisticated series of farts. 

Gabe Gudding Index