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In Private It is necessary to write this because I have forgotten who I am. I can look in the mirror, but that only reacquaints me with my image; it is the same with photographs. I have spoken and sung into a tape recorder, and have heard my voice. I have looked through all my papers, and rediscovered my social history. I can remember all the details of my personal life. But my private thoughts I cannot recall. It is possible that I have never had any private thoughts. However, in that case I do not know why I suddenly feel that I should have them. Therefore I am writing to conjure my private thoughts, or at least to establish why I feel they are missing. It is also possible that I have had private thoughts before, and written them down, and lost them. That would account both for their absence and my familiarity with their existence. In this case I am perhaps now beginning to reconstruct them. The first private thought, it seems, would be the need for private thoughts. That might explain this page of writing. But what would a second private thought be? I now realize that I have written this page before. That I have written this page thousands of times, and thrown it away. That is why it was not among my personal papers. I have had this one private thought all my life -- that I have no private thoughts -- and written it down time and again, hoping it would lead to another. But it never does.
Damon Krukowski Index